Well, it's been a long time since I've posted. I am glad I went back to reread my posts...it helps me remember who I am...especially my identity in Christ. I feel like I have been in such a desert over the past several months (or maybe this snowstorm) that I can't remember who I am. I am becoming who I do not want to be and the view is so cloudy. Like looking out my window in this snowstorm. Sometimes it just looks like a snowglobe with gently falling flakes...that lightly blur your view...other times it is simply a white out and I have no idea who I am or what I stand for. They say time heals all wounds...I think it just clouds things...only God can heal. Just reviewing the title of my page was difficult. I couldn't remember my title! Wow. Satan sure makes memory problems for you if you don't stay vigilant. Pray that I can be reminded of my cherised and chosen identity. Pray that I don't get lost in this desert or snowstorm or whatever I'm in. Pray that I do not listen to my pain but to my healer and Master. I know He knows my name. I know He knows my every thought. I know He feels my pain and will hear me when I call. Help me remember.

Well...I am officially crazy if any of you wondered. I sat outside and talked to a bird the other night. Talked to him and soothed him. It was a young turtledove. EArlier that day I watched as he hunkered down next to mom and I got the mower within a quarter of an inch from him. He didn't move. Not a sound either. Later that night I found him a short distance away (he HAD made some progress) sitting on my retaining wall. I sat next to him and apologized for scaring him so bad. I reaffirmed that fear was ok...and that mom would most likely come back and that even if she didn't, he could make it. Crazy, huh? Weirder yet, he seemed to listen. I felt like he could understand. I even heard myself. Those that we allow to protect us in our lives may actually not come back...but in some way they have certainly prepared us to face all fear. We can make progress on our own...even if only to the retaining wall to have a new source of soothing come sit with us. It was okay. It felt okay.

This weekend I was at a ball tournament from my son. I helped keep the books. Something interesting happened. A friend's son got on base on an error. Now, mind you this is only 5th grade ball...but I wondered if I should give him a hit or not. I must have spoken my mind out loud. The child's father said..."Geez, Mel, give him a hit. You can take a day off from doing what's ethical ya know".

Thinking he was joking, I laughed and said, "oh really?"

He said, "REally, look it up. Daniel 6:12."

So, I did look it up. It's the story of DAniel praying despite a law being passed not to pray to anyone but the Pharoah. Now, that incident I understand. Daniel followed ethics instead of man's laws. But "ethics" come from the gut (which DAniel followed). Some ethics are personal in one's relationship to God. Some are obvious. Some are written laws and some are not. All ethics come from God. My point is....I still don't believe one can take "time off" from ethics as suggested by my friend. What's right is what's right ALL the time. What a twisted use of scripture to make a silly point! Made me realize how often people who know the Word can twist the word to fit their own wants.

This particular incident is of no matter. I really don't know which way would be more ethical in a 5th grade baseball game: giving a kid a hit to boost his confidence....or teaching the kid that a hit in the books has to be a clean hit...but that swinging to get on base was a good thing. Doesn't really matter cause God isn't laying on my heart what's right or wrong in this situation and sometimes things like this may not have a clear ethical answer. BUT to use scripture to convince me to give a kid a hit? Wow. Pretty blatant selfish use of scripture.

I am angry that friends believe I follow rules too much. Since the divorce, many have suggested this as a fault of mine that made D unable to feel good about himself (cause of expectations). I can be legalistic. This is true even to a fault. But I do believe in GOD'S rules and I do believe my faith in God is real and personal enough to let me know that I cannot "take time off" from God's rules when others desire me to or when they don't want to muster up. I am not holier than thou. I just desire to be holy. I would like to be able to positively encourage others to do this with me. Husbands and family should be safe with those expectations...as long as grace is applied when we fail. I have given that. I am not regretful.

What is wrong in my book is taking scripture and making it work to condone lowering expectations. I have never seen one part of the Bible where God asks any seeker to settle. In word or in deed. I will not. I don't need a "day off from ethics" God will give me just enough power to pass each test...and just enough grace to acknowledge failures and do better next time. I won't settle for getting my toe in the door...I want to see Him face to face.

Kinda crazy, but I like birds. I really do. I love to nurture them and coax them to my feeders. My family thinks I am crazy for spending as much time and money on them as I do. I love waking to their song. I love watching their routines.

It wasn't always like this. When I was a young girl I got scared to death of birds by watching that stupid movie "The Birds". They terrified me and I detested them. This year, doing a unit with my 9th graders, we studied that short story. I came to realize what I knew all along. I came to understand my hatred and could put words to my new found love of birds (well...for the last 5 years really). You see, in the story, the birds are acting completely out of nature. That's the point of the story. That we are unaware and completely frightened when things don't act the way they were created to act. It's like that with me. I spent alot of time frightening myself and others when I worked very hard at rebelling against what I knew I was created to do (glorify God) and be (an heir of Christ). Oh yes, sin is in human nature...but it is not what we were created to be in. It makes us ugly and scarey. Our beauty comes when we are in tune with the creation and therefore the Creator. I want to be like the birds who simply do that day in and day out. I am relieved each day when I see "my" birds doing what they are so good at doing. Just being God's beautiful creation. Just singing and feeding and flying. I like that.

Summer of 2009 is almost here, and I am relenting to the fact that getting my Master's Degree is not in God's plan or timing for me right now. That means I shoule have ample time to love my children, work in and around my home and garden, and BLOG. I am the oldest in my women's bible study...and it's about time I got on board with this blogging business. I sometimes just think no one cares - why be pretentious? Then I realize, that's not the problem. The problem is my caring whether anyone cares and failing to realize that either way...I'm chosen and cherished. Cool. So here goes some breathing, venting, and discussing...to anyone who chooses to read it and to all who don't.